Land of Lost Humor
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Check out the Chess Article from the (now defunct).

My son put it best- "talking to mom is like handling a gernade with the pin out"

Status measures: Paper clips=> low means caught up, high- falling behind.
Bed making=> longer time indicates more stress
in your life.

--WARNING, this might be disgusting--
Last few times I pee’d in the snow the patterns looked like Ufo’s. They are coming. They will have a round body w. flat round wing. Also, they will be yellow.

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

I’m going to build an 800ft tower on K2, so its 50ft taller than Everest

Would you stop your cardiac arrest if you could?…”Oh yes, in a heartbeat”

"Thank God Its Friday". When you are retired you don’t have that feeling…every day is Monday.

Egypt- I chose not to believe the warnings about the crocodiles… I was in deNile
(ha-ha). As a result, I got bit by a crocodile.

The doctor removed one of the crocodile's bicuspids from my leg. I asked to see it. Angerly he retorted- "You can’t handle the tooth!"

LA dodgers shortstop fails to throw out runner at first. Manager Tommy Lasorda- "if the batter was pregnant, the baby would have been safe"

Lets move the International dateline to the middle of US, like Chicago. That would be fun.

This joke voted lamest joke of the year:
Joke for Nerds: My calculator shows .14159 - I’m movin on up to the east side, I finally got a piece of the pi.

Try to remember the 7 wonders of the world- hanging gardens of babylon, atlantis, grand canyon, pyramids, and of course- Stevie..."For once in my life, I have someone who needs me..."

A man who had no house, lived in an RV, and drove around the country, died. He was re-incarnated as a turtle.

Why do my desk, my workbench, the kitchen counter only have 1 sq ft of open space.

Conjoined twins have never complained about being seperated.. never, not one time has this happened. 

Are you asleep? "Yes", is illogical. Like asking an audience "will people who lie all the time please raise their hands". If someone raises their hand their head will explode.

Ebonic language influence yields- "I want to ax a question". Yet they don't eat xittles or live in Nebraxa or Alaxa.

Obama has a plan to reallocate food resources by banning dentures and dental work for rich people.

I also think under the Obama administration the monetary system will collapse and we will revert back to using furs and pelts as currency.

I'm looking for an app for my pacemaker so I can zap people, like the way the emporer in Star Wars zapped Luke.

I believe a Cyclops should ride a unicycle, and then a car should have two people..or two people plus a cyclops if you count the spare.. to keep the eye to tire ratio at one.

Sometimes I can't remember something, and then later I can't remember what it was that I was trying to remember.

If you wrap
270,000 turns of #40 wire around yourself and hold both ends, and then roll down a hill, the interaction with the earths magnetic field would electrocute you.

Whenever I want to adjust the volume on the radio they go to dead air space for 10 seconds.

Sharks are attracted to blood. Perhaps they sense a problem and just want to help.

"Bitch-slapped by that rat-bastard old man winter, stickin' it to me"- J.Cramer

 In my high-school career I had one main supporter. It was for my nuts.

I made the ultimate gutter topper – a solid plate, totally sealed…no debris, no leaves, no water – nothing gets in.

Is Michelle Obama most powerful woman in the world?, its Zhou Lulu of China!

If there are Centipedes and Millipedes, why aren't there Decipedes, or tri/penta-pedes..what- no odds or primes! We got bi-pedes (humans), quad (dogs), hexa (insects), octa (spiders). Is a a worm a Unipede? Lookout for those gigapedes.

Clarification- Son of Frankenstein, he was the son of Dr. Frankenstein, not Frankenstein the monster. There was no baby monster.  The Bride of Frankenstein however, was indeed the bride of the monster.

What was song #1 side #1 on Bob Dylan's second album? The answer,
my friend, is blowin' in the wind.

The Wright brothers didn't seem to do much after their first flight. Did they say to themselves - "That's it...this is too dangerous." 

There was good participation in the national “take your car to work” day.

More Lost Humor -   Lost Humor Archive 02